We Wanted Something Light

My wife and I watched The Big Sick last night. We wanted something light. It wasn't very light.

It's the story of a man meeting his potential wife at work one evening, and the journey of the two of them becoming a couple while he navigates old family expectations. It's not my exact story. But it feels so much the same, at the same time.

I am a son. I am a dad. And these are sometimes difficult things to juggle.

The movie is heartfelt — it explores relationships, romantic and familial, and I see myself in it. I see my family. I see my own heartaches. I was moved enough that I'm now seeking out the comedian who made it, Kumail Nanjiani, looking for more of his work. That's usually a sign that something landed deeper than the runtime.

Here's what it landed on.

I have always found it difficult to stand up for myself with my parents. Instead of being honest and telling them how I felt, I lashed out. I became rebellious. I was one of those kids who may as well have had a permanent seat in the principal's office. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but I just knew I wasn't a bad kid. These days I have a better word for it: I was misunderstood. Or more honestly — I didn't know how to say what I felt, so it came out sideways.

I promised myself that when I had my own children, I would be different. I would change.

Easier said than done.

I found myself, more often than I'd like to admit, mirroring my own upbringing with my children. The same patterns. The same gaps. The things I swore I'd never repeat, repeating themselves through me without my permission. The grace was that I got called out — early, while my kids were still young enough that I could change a few things, and while I was young enough to listen.

I haven't perfected this parenting thing. I don't think anyone does. My kids are adults now, in their mid-20s, and I think we have a good relationship. I'm not sure I'd say great — not yet. I have my own things to work on, my own old wiring to untangle, and that work doesn't stop just because the kids are grown. But I'm aware of it now in a way I wasn't twenty years ago. I'm working toward better.

That's what The Big Sick pulled out of me last night. A movie about a man caught between who his family expected him to be and who he was actually becoming — and somewhere in the middle of watching it, I realized I've been every character in that story at one point or another. The kid who couldn't speak up. The parent trying not to repeat the past. The man still figuring out how to be honest with the people he loves.

We wanted something light. We didn't get light. But we got something better.